I flew by plane today. I usually sleep on the plane, and if I'm awake, I'm making up ideas. Today, there was the second option. Some time ago I began to awaken the goddess within. And finally I realized that I finally found her in the exact place where I thought that was the proof that I can't find her...
Today I feel at peace with myself and the world. But it doesn't happen every day. Sometimes I feel anger, fear, mistrust. Sometimes I feel anxious. I can be very friendly today and want to be alone tomorrow. I can accept criticism or advice with love and gratitude today, and tomorrow I will be offended or take it as an attack.
I now have a deeper understanding of how amazing it is (I hope I don't forget that!). It is cyclical, natural, beautiful... Life happens inside me, magic tales inside me, whole worlds... Sometimes it's summer, sometimes it's winter. Sometimes it rains, sometimes the sun shines. Just as nature rejoices in the rain that waters the plants (I think of a tree that is angry at the rain or at the winter and an inner smile immediately appears), so I learn more and more to rejoice in the heavier, darker sensations. Because everything always blooms brighter after them.
I'm reading a book about women running with the wolves. And the answer is written there, what is the secret of what is needed to please those around you, especially close relatives. Constancy - predictability. Often people are afraid of things that move and change, they want everything to be predictable. And how uncomfortable are those who change, evolve, learn, fall, rise every day. For a really long time I have experienced that it is impossible for me to be in such a state where the sun always shines.
But today I realize that if I were in that state, I would be much further from myself, from the wild goddess who came to experience the full majesty and life of nature. With rain, with night... More important is not that it is raining or that it is night. Because rain and night are scary only until we don't want them, we try to escape from them. And you can dance in the rain, communicate with the spirits of nature that only appear in the dark at night. Everything can be magical and it all depends on whether we view our experiences as negative or as positive. Besides, where the sun always shines, it soon becomes a desert.
I have noticed that when I accept this natural part of my nature, I no longer get annoyed by those who I used to think were somehow uncomfortable. Apparently they annoyed me because they were uncomfortably variable when I was trying to stay as steady as possible.
A few days ago I was talking to the rain :) While we were in the cafe, it was raining very hard, and the car was parked 20 minutes away. Linas says "maybe we need to call an uber?", I say "when we leave, the rain will stop...". As we left the cafe, almost miraculously, the rain turned from a real downpour to a tiny drizzle. After a bit, the rain intensified again. And I started communicating with the rain. I said "what are you doing, pissing us off? Maybe wait until we get to the car, then you can pee again", and then immediately the rain stopped, it was very, very calm when we were walking to the car. I realized that moment of his intensification was just it's greeting :)
How fun it is to notice your reactions and see that there is no objective assessment of the situation. Everything is subjective, and it's much more fun when that subjective assessment is positive. In our mind, we can create a bitter rain that only aims to get us wet and as soon as we freeze from its slush, we will catch cold and die, or one that comes to water the flowers and to say a friendly hello, to kiss our cheeks :) The same with emotions. If an emotional "rain" comes, remembering that it came to water our inner garden, that rain is not so terrible, and maybe we can even learn to dance in it :) .
1/14/2019